There
Needs Be No Blame
Many mothers of children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum
Disorders (FASD) suffer from alcoholism.
Others may abuse alcohol without realizing the danger this poses the
unborn baby. Almost all mothers of babies
with FAS were subjected to physical and/or sexual abuse, and about half are
believed to be affected by FAS or FAE themselves. Most mothers who drank during pregnancy, unless they are in
recovery, will deny that they drank or downplay the amount of alcohol they
consumed. This is understandable
because of the guilt they carry, the shame and blame others confer on them, and
the denial that is a major symptoms among those who abuse alcohol and other
drugs. Blaming the mother is
counterproductive to finding healthy solutions to prevent FASD. Blaming the mother also shows a lack of
understanding about the nature of alcoholism.
Here is a letter from the mother of an alcohol-affected child as she
responds to comments by those who want to blame the birth mother.
Alcoholism is hideous, and denial is a
chief symptom. This is a disease
process in which the only outcomes are recovery, insanity or death.
Not that we are not all sad and very, very taxed in caring for each child
exposed prenatally to alcohol; and not that the daily and hourly taxes my son
pays for his damages are not beyond my ability to fathom and not that we blame
moms-to-be who cannot get treatment beds or who are totally unaware of
FASD. In 1995 or so the march of dimes believed still that only half of
all women in their child bearing years had even ever heard of FASD.
But having had death in my own family due
to alcoholism, I really have to share that this is a pervasive disease that
takes over every domain of life.
However gradually, however non-suicidal the person may appear, this
disease is a downward spiral, a slow suicide.
If any one has survived the viewing of the
academy award winning movie "Leaving Las Vegas" -- starring Nicolas Cage and Elisabeth Shue
-- it shows
the relentless road to death for the active alcoholic who has no more fight
left in him for health. Even the humor
and some of the facial expressions of the cage character remind me exactly of
my brother. It is very difficult to
watch, but incredibly realistic.
I had a brother who died of drink at 28 years of age, who had been drinking
since 15 when he caddied at the country club in town and got access thru the
guys he worked for as well as thru the at-home liquor cabinet. I saw how even his successes of becoming an
Evans Scholar in golf and being accepted at Purdue University in Indiana were
lost to the cause of his next drink. He
partied until he had barely any strands of internal organs where his waist
should be. He peed in the corners of
his own apartment. He refused to let my
sister call him an ambulance. He
refused to let my parents commit him for mental health or CD treatment. He said, "A-As are assholes" (one
of his more famous quotes). He drove
alone from Indiana to Atlanta, Georgia, to be a golf shop pro, and when his car
was found with the motor running by the side the highway, it was towed and he
was marked up as missing. Four or five
weeks later, my dad flew down there with dental records and asked the sheriff’s
department to search further, like 600 yards instead of 300 yards. Of course then they found his remains. He had disrobed probably due to
fever and disorientation as a result of a bladder infection that was being
treated with antibiotics, while drinking while driving (beer only- as if it
weren't harmful). Foul play could have
been a factor, but we will never know.
Later they sent the actual ashes home in a plastic bag in a little
wooden box which my mother opened while she was alone at home. She was already berzerk with grief and the
arrival of that package threw her over the top again for weeks to come. My brother’s drinking masked almost every
other family member’s using. All family
members were drinking at the time except me, and I was doing my weed of choice
at college (true confessions).
We certainly suffered the insanity of alcoholism down to every single family
member. We have numerous family members
15-20 years into sobriety now, although the next generation is getting placed
on surveillance with random UA’s due to dui or stupider things (no plates, no
license—duh). But you gotta love
‘em. They weren't asked whether they
preferred to be born into an alcoholic family tree. Not that anyone wouldn’t
want to walk away and no longer be alcoholic.
That is just now how this particular disease process works. It is a killing disease, and you have got to
want to recover for yourself alone.
There is no way to control it, cause it, or cure it. It just is.
There needs be no blame.
In working in the field of FASD, I try to remember that the same thing that
hurt the mama also hurt her baby. There
are articles that cover the actual spirals of addiction to alcohol. When it happens to individuals, the details
are really horrendous. When it happens
to the unborn, the exposures are really, really awful also. Alcoholism is a hideous disease, and denial
is a chief symptom.
Penny
For a better understanding of alcoholism, read the article
published by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism: http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/faq/q-a.htm
For a better understanding of birth mothers of children with
Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, read the summary of research on birth mothers
conducted by Dr. Sterling Clarren: http://come-over.to/FAS/BirthMoms.htm
Related articles on this topic can be found here:
http://come-over.to/FAS/BirthMothers.htm
For more information on Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, see the web site for the FAS Community Resource Center: http://come-over.to/FASCRC/