Tell Them That I Loved Them
An adoptive mother's response to a birth mother's request
by Tammy
reprinted here with permission

I received a letter yesterday from the Birth Mom of my three little ones. She had surrendered her rights to the children 10 months after they were placed in the custody of the Dept. of Social Services. I had worked very diligently with her to maintain custody of her children again until I realized that she was incapable of tending to their very basic needs. She is a good person and had the children's best interest in mind when she decided to sign those papers. I took her to court that day and remember how much it broke my heart to see the turmoil that she was feeling. The last thing that she said... looking right straight at me was... PLEASE, always tell them that I loved them and allow me to know them in some way... and she proceeded to sign the surrenders. I cried thinking about what it would be like for me to give up the rights of my two biological children. But in my heart, I knew that what she was doing was the best thing for them.

In the letter yesterday she wrote that she missed her kids something awful (Its been 3 years) and that she hoped that her kids would grow up and make something of themselves and not be like her. This brought tears to my eyes because when she was visiting them I tried to explain the diagnosis that we had received about the oldest and she said that she would probably be like her... slow in school and have a hard time in life. I have since found out through talking to the Birth Grandmother that she drinks and always has. I asked if she also drank during her pregnancies and she said of course! That was the only way that she could sleep. Now I realize that most likely the Birth Mom has FAS/E and can see some of the very impulsive behaviors that are displayed by my babies now.

We will always allow the kids to know who they are and have a picture of the Birth Mother and Father on our refrigerator. They look at the picture but never say too much. Someday though, I want them to understand who those people are and how very much their mother loved them. When the adoption is completed I will allow the Birth Mom to visit for birthdays and holidays as she always remembers them with either a card or a gift. Yes, I believe that what we are doing is in the best interest for them as well as for us.


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