Someone wrote to me and asked me what it is like being a FAS adult and how it affected my life and if I could live my life over again would I do anything differently and if I was open to this matter and so on, this was my response to them...
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haha oh boy, that's a biggie, frankly I despise being an FAS adult but what it's managable with proper support in place, I still get a lot of messed up feelings and emotions in my head, wishing I could understand why I feel some of the things I do, and I always wonder'd what'd it'd be like to grow up like a normal kid and not had to grow up with all this shit ive wen't through, sometimes I still do try and place how a normal person tries to think, but I eventually came to the sense I had to stop clinging to it, I had to stop acting like a kid as much as I miss being one, and wishing I could start over again without all the shit i've went through and had known about all the things I used to do to people as in I used to so manipulate people a lot with my ways, ive lied so many times, had friends in and out of my life quickly, most were just junkies during my younger years. none we're real friends, more like allies in a sense, however now I have great close friends with real closeness which I like, and I am way more honest with people now than I used to be, and I hate manipulating people now, I used to think it was fun, but now I find it extremely lame and stupid, they lying now has seems to cut out a lot im not sure if I still lie anymore or not, I could perhaps at times because of memory difficulties and time, but ive always been honest with my current friends to the best of my abilities and always will continue to be, I used to have so many fear of various things and I let fear drive my actions, it was extremely unhealthy way of living, I eventually learned to let go of the ill feelings and learnt from it, or forgotten some about it, one of the two, as an adult for the first of age 16-20 I was just not free, and I had refused to let myself, and I figured out I could have been, and knew that no one could help me until I was ready to unlearn the things i've learned and ready to move on, and seek out for some help, which I did and found a great doctor who helped diagnose me, and knew a lot about fas, he told me the symptoms of it, and then I went on studying it even harder, it took a few years of pratice understanding all the negative shit I used to do, but i've learnt to control them to some degree, when im under a lot of stress, things really fall apart and break down for me, I like to keep my stress level to a minimum, I used to abuse so many street drugs as a kid Dextromethorphan/GHB/Seconal(Barbituates) being my favorites.. but ive done others, I mainly done them cause my mind always felt so well messed up and those drugs generally just seemed to make things fall together in a way. and didnt have that frigged up feelings.. now I generally do abuse some prescription drugs in a way, but they really help me, like Xanax/Nitrazepams and stuff, me and my friend always joked and called that the drug that 'makes all your problems go away' since you feel calm and at ease when you're on those drugs and able to think clearly, as well as taking dexedrine for ADHD, I really wished I was diagnosed much earlier my mother knew I had something seriously wrong with me since I was a kid, but the doctors always said he;s fine blah blah, I slept in school, been expelled many times was aggressive/violent, I just know if I had access to those drugs at the time, I would have excelled in school, everyone always knew I had the potential, but I never lived up to it during the schooling years, I however do not know how I managed to control the aggressiveness /violence I used to do, actually I now sorta hate/despise those things and get feeling uneasy when a fight or something breaks out somewhere I beleive it's probably growing up/some current drugs I take and being diagnosed and really working on what my problems were since I didnt see I had those problems IE: lying,stealing,manipulating, etc.. I just thought it was normal back in the day, I may seem much wiser now but there are times when I can be pretty stupid, and i'm generally always suicidal as a whole ive made 7 suicide attempts total in the past most werent just crying for help, I really just wanted to die, mainly because I had to spend so much work repairing/fixing my life back together from the damage I did over the years, it seems to be going well now, especially now I have really good friends, who are quite patient with me since I have schizophrenia/fas/disociative identity disorder, I think the schizophrenia/did were the most embarrassing things ive ever had I got so confused that was part of the reason for my extreme lying a lot I used to think what I saw was so real, and they looked so damn real so people always knew something was off with me and so on, it took a really wise man to have the courage to tell me listen you have some serious problems, you really need to go find out what they are, those people you talk about don't even exist, he said he and some of his friends thought I had a base case of multiple personalities and perhaps schizophrenia, that's when I decided to get some help, he is my best friend and still is he also explained to me that I had a crap sense of justice and moral values to boot, that I had to clean myself up quickly and fast, or ill start losing things, like him, dominic my second best friend, and other people that cared about me, not because they have to, but because they chose to, when their being there wasn't enough for me, it'd be their choice to ultimately walk way... him explaining the crap sense of moral justice/values etc he meant by me thinking I had to hide stuff, from people that were my friends by telling tall tales, lie, cheat, and so on, and explained that it was poop he told me just because the world has done me wrong, doesnt mean that I compromise my values as a person, and do things I knew that are wrong, he told me i'd find a way, no matter what, that'd i'd fight my way out of the shit that I was in, and to stand proud and he told me to never ever give up.. never. he told me a lot of other things as well which really helped me battle my way of trying to defeat FAS, most people today wouldn't even be able to tell I show many if any signs of fas, like they could during my earlier years/teens if it wasnt for rob my best friend and his wisest ways helping me out, i'd probably be out lost somewhere, being drunk and on the streets and still doing drugs or perhaps maybe even dead.. I was extremely lucky to have a close friend like him, to help guide me and go throughout my rough times if I was to start my life over again, I would love to have done it by having real close friends from the start and being diagnosed early with proper support, and not had lied and manipulated people, and pretended to be someone I wasnt... but to me that's the past it's an uncontrollable thing so it's how I shape things now for the future is what is what im working on... if any more questions feel free to consult me...
and im generally open to anything in this general matter...
take care and hope some of this helps :)
in the darkest hours.. I am there...