Sunday nicht as we were off to bed 
Alan said
 (as yesterday was SinjaŽs 15th birthday) 
"Ann, where did the years go?" 

We had so much hope at the beginning 
that we could "Cure" Sinja.

Off course weŽd heard of FAS 
but in those days even most doctors believed 
that the children would grow out of it 
which explains our Social workers remark that 
if we imagined Sinja at 24 
when she would act like a 20 year old 
then it wasnŽt too bad, 
she would catch up. 

Sinja, this tiny red haired baby 
with a cleft palate, 
and heart disorder, 
who only just made it 
due to being born with an infection throughout her whole body. 
4 months old and only 7lbs, 
who screamed the whole time 
and who took 8 hours of our time a day 
just to feed even with a nasel-gastric tube. 

Sinja, who screamed with rage every day 
as I placed a new tube into her nose 
after sheŽd pulled yesterdays out again. 

Sinja, who soon had beautiful blond hair 
tied on the top of her head 
so that it looked like a palm tree 
and every thought was soooo sweet. 

Sinja, who had 3 operations to close her palate 
after the second one burst open 2 weeks after surgery. 

Sinja, who according to her kindergarten teachers 
was the most confident child they had ever seen. 

Sinja, who had 4 lots of grommets put into her ears 
due to permanent ear infections. 

Sinja, who was known as "The Boss" in kindergarten, 
as even though she was the smallest 
she was always the one to give orders. 

Sinja, who had to have a new Eardrum 
as her hearing was down to 20%. 

Sinja, who reacts badly to anaesthesia 
so that she has problems coming round 
and then is sick every minute for at least 24 hours 
which means being put back on a drip. 

Sinja, who at 4 learnt to love horses. 

Sinja, who lost her bio-mum at 9 
and with it the chance to meet 
this nice and loving lady 
who gave birth to her. 

Sinja, who with growth hormones 
has now reached almost normal height. 

Sinja, who at 13 lost her bio-father too 
and still asks 
"Why did they drink themselves to death?" 

Sinja, who as often been teased 
because of her size, speech and looks. 
Sinja, who "inherited" a wonderful english humour from us. 

Sinja, who loves her Pony above anything 
and yet doesnŽt shed one tear 
as the old one goes and the new one comes. 

Sinja, who often asks 
"What will happen to me when youŽre both dead?" 

Sinja, who has decided 
sheŽs having the house when weŽre gone 
as then " I can stay here and wont be so alone" 

Sinja, who with a smile 
can erase the memory of the rage that just happened. 

Sinja, who changed our lives completely. 
Sinja, who would undress without shame in front of anyone. 
Sinja, who cuddles me and tells me she loves me. 
Sinja, the most untidy person on the planet. 
Sinja, whoŽs brought us so much happiness
and so many tears. 

Where die the years go???? 
HERE! deep in our hearts! 

by Ann Gibson, September 16, 2003
Grieving the Loss of the Dream